Going Out

Went out to church this evening. I always forget how hard it is when I go out, especially when I go to church. Don’t get me wrong I want to go church and I absolutely love seeing my Christian family there,  they make me ok inside, but the reality that comes is overwhelming. I want to be there cause I know Gods presence is there and I want to be in it, but my brain goes into hyperdrive. I’m stood through the worship trying my hardest to hold it all together or not get angry with God, and then I look around and realise John is not there and he’s not gonna be and the pain that strikes takes my breath away, it’s takes all of me to keep standing. And part of me wants to sing but I can’t, even when I open my mouth nothing comes out but a weird whimper. And my inward struggle of listening to ‘you turned my mourning into dancing’ when I am no where near that is horrible, as it feels so far away. And then singing about God being a healer and then thinking but He’s not always a healer… he didn’t heal John when you asked and pleaded for his life. And then immediately feeling guilty for doubting the Lord and feeling hurt by Him and angry. And the cycle continues till the songs finish. There was 2 scriptures mentioned tonight. Both were ones God gave John when he first went into the recovery home. Cried my eyes out when I heard them. Going out is hard cause I feel the aloneness but church is the hardest cause it’s more real that John should be here by my side (or more like serving in about 3 different ministries at the same time as he used to!) it’s so unfair. And I have no idea how I reconcile this all together and get on with my faith and life. Limbo is a hard place to be in. I don’t know what to do with anything in my life, daily decisions and big decisions, and most of all my faith, I have no idea what to do. The Lord is all I have but I feel like he’s ripped me to shreds with nothing to cling to, not even himself as he feels so distant, and worse like he might just sweep everything else in my life that I love away… I mean why not, he’s already taken John the love of my life…. but I’ll cover it up with cliches and scripture ‘times a healer’ ‘God works all things for the good..’ Sorry for being borderline blasphemous. I want to say I don’t mean it and I don’t mean to hurt the Lord but I also can’t fight these thoughts and questions and feelings.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
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