Monthly Archives: March 2017

Knife, heart, repeat.

Strange day today really… had to cancel John’s car insurance and by the end of the phone call I could hardly talk. Then later on again about car insurance but this time mine they asked me for my relationship status … Continue reading

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Difficult

Went to prayer tonight. The only word I have for it is difficult. There such a range of thoughts and emotions going on inside me about all kinds of things not just about John and everything that comes with that. … Continue reading

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Finding our way..

Messaged someone yesterday who lost their husband a few years ago but who is in ministry still, and whose ministry is extraordinary, and even though they had been married A LOT longer and they knew his death was coming, I … Continue reading

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Indecisive, Apathetic and Alone.

I was indecisive before John past away but now its getting ridiculous. I can’t seem to make the slightest decision. And also I don’t want to. Lay in bed till 9:45 when thankfully one of my friends text me and … Continue reading

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How?

Changed round the bedroom as planned. Feel ok about it. Didn’t really touch much of John’s stuff, just put it all in the wardrobe for another day. Went out and brought bed linen and new curtains, its looks alright but … Continue reading

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Hardest

Sundays are so hard… John loved Sundays and loved church. And I need to go to church but going out the house makes it worse as the realisation hits you, time and time again, I think that’s why I was … Continue reading

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Can’t sleep

Totally exhausted but woke up at 3:50 to go to the toilet but haven’t been able to get back to sleep. My mind just won’t let me. I’m trying so hard to ‘do the right thing’ in all situations, including … Continue reading

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Fragile

Honestly feel like I could smash into a thousand pieces today. Like any passing thing could splinter me up. I hate this. It’s so crap. Grief makes you feel so horrible. Tried to drive today, not the best idea yet… … Continue reading

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UnbearableĀ 

Having a bad night. Enveloped in grief. John’s pillow that I’m “sleeping” on is soaked in tears. Sometimes I feel I can’t breathe. My eyes are stinging and hot. If God really does collect tears my jar is going to … Continue reading

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