Trying to fight the feeling of being upset as it’s a horrible on the edge and on the brink of tears the whole time, and when I let them go the pain is too much I have to suck it all back in, I know I have to let it out but I just can’t at the minute, it’s too much, and I hate it. I actually can’t believe how much I miss John, it’s unbearable truly unbearable. I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel so horrible inside, And I want to let it out but it’s too much it’s way too much emotion, that I don’t feel I can. I can only let it out in little bits and then when it gets too much I have to stop. I’m aware I can’t let it build up but I can’t let it go either, it really is too much and too painful. Need the Lord badly.