Yet another strange day today. Had a drive out just for a change of scenery, didn’t help that much. Then went round to my Pastors house and hung out with him and his wife, that was good to be around them, they are good stuff and I’m grateful for all the support they have given me as they have done loads for me, and been there for me at the most crucial of times. Then went to prayer tonight but had to leave early as I was just uncontrollably sobbing and couldn’t take much more so I left. Bit gutted to be honest with you, want to be in church and around the presence of God but it is so hard when I’m trying to not be angry at God for stuff and trying to believe that He can do all things even though He let John die when He could have made it so John would still be here. And that’s what’s always in the background, wherever I am or whatever I’m doing there’s that tension of how do I reconcile this – God could have healed John and He didn’t, yet He is still a loving God who has the best for me…hmmm… I know that I cannot forsake the Lord, I just want to know how I can find peace within myself about it. Anyway must at least try and sleep.