Strange day today really… had to cancel John’s car insurance and by the end of the phone call I could hardly talk. Then later on again about car insurance but this time mine they asked me for my relationship status to which I painfully managed to croak out ‘widowed’… horrible, horrible.
This evening I have been doing some bits and bobs in the office and I glanced again at my prayer wall and noticed my little note for John… I’ve seen it before over the past few weeks but hurried past it and tried to ignore it but I need to move the prayer wall now that the office has changed and redo prayer notes and reorganise them onto a different wall. And it hit me tonight when I was about to move them that I don’t have to pray for John anymore and I realised that is one of the reasons why I feel so empty, and strange because I was constantly praying for John, day and night and if I was away from him whenever he would pop into my thoughts. I didn’t need a prayer note on my wall for him, it was natural and instinct to pray for him, it was a constant thing. Never again will I have to pray for him and its like a knife to my heart. I always felt close to God when I was praying for John, always. And at the minute I can’t seem to pick up the prayers for anyone else and I can’t even tell you why expect that I am ashamed about it. Its like I have a mental block, or is it spiritual?? Hope not. I feel so empty like I could float away…wish I could sometimes to, float up to be with the Lord and my lovely John, but thats part of the thing as well, he’s not my lovely John any more, he’s the Lord’s. He always was of course I know that but the Lord had given John to me to share with Him, but now John is just the Lord’s, mine no longer. Knife, heart, repeat.