Indecisive, Apathetic and Alone.

I was indecisive before John past away but now its getting ridiculous. I can’t seem to make the slightest decision. And also I don’t want to. Lay in bed till 9:45 when thankfully one of my friends text me and got me out and moving. Then its like ‘What do I do today?” and the answers that come are – “don’t know and don’t really care”. Sad isn’t it? Because I want to know and I want to care, but I cannot force myself. I can’t pretend either. I want to pick up all the books for my course I have to read and start them but also I don’t think I have the mental capacity for it at the minute. I want to go out and do something, but equally I really don’t want to either. I want people around me, but then I want everyone to leave me alone…. actually thats not true, I actually don’t want to be alone… but the reality is that I am alone, even when people are here and with me, I am alone. And you can say “You are not alone God is with you, the Holy Spirit it with you, Jesus is with you.” And while that maybe the truth, it is also equally true that I am alone. God is God, Holy Spirit is the Holy Spirit, Jesus is Jesus and while I battle within myself to hold on to the fact that if I have them I have everything I will ever need, John knew me better than any human being ever had done. He understood me, he knew my little quirks and he loved them, and he would never give up on me ever, he may have annoyed me and frustrated me at times as he was not perfect, but he loved me regardless. And I know all those things are true of the Lord but the Lord as much as I want Him to be is not physical, He’s not a physical being, and right now thats the clincher. So I guess I do know what I want after all… John back or the Lord in physical form. Neither of those is possible, so for now until however it lasts I’ll remain indecisive, apathetic and alone (physically).

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
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