Honestly feel like I could smash into a thousand pieces today. Like any passing thing could splinter me up. I hate this. It’s so crap. Grief makes you feel so horrible. Tried to drive today, not the best idea yet… don’t have the mind set for it… still find myself staring into space vacantly… or just not caring if I get hurt by anything… not good for driving really those things. Changed round John’s office today, made it into my study office. So sad to change it, yet everything has changed for me anyway so why not change everything else? I am desperate to hold onto the little I have of John, terribly desperate but keeping things the same, will that help? Certainly the bedroom isn’t helping. At least with the office there seems to be some hope now… and yet there’s that underlying feeling of ‘this shouldn’t be happening’ that rises up and down in me time and time again.