zwHaven’t been able to write, as haven’t known what to say. Still not sure now, all I know is this ache in the bottom of my belly gets stronger, then weakens, then comes back, then lessens, then gets stronger, then lingers, then lessens, then remains, then hurts so bad, then lessens, then creeps up my body to my throats so I can speak, then creeps up to my brain so I can’t think, then goes back down to my belly…repeat unlimited times a day. Doing a 1,000 piece jigsaw at the minute on the table, just something to pas the unlimited time I feel I have on my hands, it feels appropriate in a strange way as that’s how my life feels, shattered into tiny pieces, also found out there’s some bits missing…that feels appropriate too, but there is huge chunk of me missing, that I shall never get back….my beautiful John. I can’t think of anything worse. No one can hurt me anymore than I am hurt by this….very dangerous state to be in really, but I guess I will remain this way till I go home to heaven now too….aching all the way…