Dread

Can’t even say the things I have to do today. So horrible. I’m dreading it. Had a long sleep but the dreams were so frightening. Life without John is so dull, so so dull. The days are ridiculously long, and my concept of time is knackered. I didn’t know it was possible for my brain to think so many thoughts all at once. Since it happened it’s like I can simultaneously think many things all in one go, good and bad, positive and negative. Worried about John’s mum. Understably not herself yesterday. Looked in physical pain. I guess at least the realisation is hitting her. Mine is taking such a long time. Today it may hit me like a truck, and in a way that’s one of the many things I’m waiting for, literally waiting for the grief to come, actually spending my time paceing up and down, up and down to try and pass sometime, firstly because I was so busy when John was alive, I rarely had a moment to myself and now I have unlimited time on my hands, and secondly cause I know the realisation and the pain, and grief have yet to take full hold. I hate this limbo, of occasional grief and then nothing. But in a way I can understand it as I’m scared of it coming and overwhelming me completely too…. but I know it has to come sometime…

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
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