” Yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved and if I refrain, it does not go away.” Job 16:6
Unbareable. I feel like every movement I make even the tiniest, is draining my soul of strength. The grief is overwhelming. The phrase “I’m beside myself” rings truer than ever. It’s like my insides are so torn up I’m not even living in myself but I’m somehow next to myself. I’m aware that doesn’t make any sense.
And even though I know without a shadow of a doubt that my gorgeous John is with the Lord in glory, it doesn’t help the pain, what it does is relief the hopelessness. I am in the deepest grief ever however it’s not a dark grief….if that makes sense… I’ve been in dark grief over a relative, and I mourned for their soul, I don’t have to do that with John, as his faith was so strong and so pure and unwavering, there is no doubt that he is with The Lord, I knew it the moment I walked in and saw him when they were working on him…. I could just tell he had gone….and that he was at peace.
My grief is for me, it’s a selfish grief, it’s about what I have lost…. and oh, what I have lost. God gave me THE best in John. And sometimes I would be silent with amazement and just how truly gorgeous in every sense of the word he was… far too good for this world….
Shattered is a good descriptive word, because I am, totally broken, however I am not without hope and this is the clincher. John was forever hopeful, I would write people off, doubt people, John would never, I would write myself off daily. John would never, he was constantly encouraging me to be better. How could I write myself off now? He saw me more than any single person alive on this planet and he never doubted me once.
I don’t know what lies ahead in the next few moments, hours, days, weeks and years, I’m not gonna lie, yes there are more than a few moments where I wish the Lord would take me early, just to be out of the process I am in and am going through, and have to face what I have to face, but in a strange way I see glimmers of things that John would want me to do…. but I know I have a lot to get through before all that… and whether I will even be able to from a practical point of view is another matter….
A wave of numbness has hit so I’m gonna go now.